It's been quite the 16 hours. Let's work backwards.

The milk in my coffe was spoiled, and I didn't notice it curdling until I'd filled my enormous mug almost three quarters full.

I woke up with my right eye bright red - like pinkeye, only not - for the second day in a row. Last summer allergies were so bad and my eyes were so aggravated all the time that I couldn't wear eye makeup all summer. I was hoping this summer would be different. It's not even the makeup issue that bothers me, it's the fact that my eyes itch like hell and if I dare touch them they puff up and turn bright red and watery and feel like they're going to pop out of my skull. If I behave myself and just let them be I look stoned out of my mind. Perfect for meeting with clients.

Speaking of clients, I got up early and skipped my shower because I had a meeting this morning, but the client isn't available. So now I feel like I have to sit around and wait for her, which isn't fun.

I had the most FUCKED dreams last night, involving Chris (always high drama), and a chance meeting with one of you lj-girls I especially revere. I woke up feeling those disjointed, lost, confused feelings I get after especially real dreams.

Last night Jamie and I talked, fought, and cried over our marriage. Things have been really off with us since I finished working on the Art Guide, and we've been getting progressively more distant and less connected. Finally I asked him about it last night, which led to our big discussion... What we want, what our lives are supposed to be about, whether or not we should get divorced... Basically what it comes down to is something I've known for a while now, but didn't want to face, which is that we're totally trapped right now.

Our lives appear to be going fine - we're both on track for partnerships in separate local companies, we're just beginning to get our feet back underneath us financially, he's finally found a social group... etc. But the fact of the matter is that he's only 25, and I'm only 27, and neither of us are ready for kids, and I'm not even sure we're ready to settle down, and I think we didn't choose our current situation, and it's not making us happy.

The bottom line is that he's finally realized that he hasn't even begun to live yet, let alone live up to his potential. He wants to travel, see places, experience things, meet people... and he should be able to do all that. And I want to do some of that with him (minus the motorcycle part). But there are so many ways that we've managed to trap ourselves here, financially, materially, and via commitments, mostly on my end to Jimmy at the print shop. Which sucks, since I'm committed to being there, yet not making enough money to survive (let alone travel or be able to take time off).

I know that this all means two things - 1: I have to decide what I want, and 2: I have to talk to Jimmy about whether or not we can help each other get what we each want... It's just that I'm no good at putting me first, and I'm even worse at confrontation/asking for what I need.

In the meantime I'm trying to stop thinking about how to get Jamie what he wants, and focus on what I want. If I can figure that out, then maybe I can put all the pieces together in a way that just might work.